Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
