Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
