i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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