why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
