whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
