As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
