he wants to bone in the snuggie
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
