Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't EVER smell your tampon
drinking out of a sandbucket again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
