apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
