Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
