WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
