dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
