And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
