I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
why do cheetos always look like penises
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
