Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
