Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
