just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
