a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
