I want to have your abortion
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Let's paint friendship bongs
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
