Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
