She went from zero to smokin in five shots
never play flip cup with pint glasses
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
