don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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