there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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