Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im part way to drunk.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
