and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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