mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
