Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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