I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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