Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
