we have pet lesbian snakes
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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