my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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