Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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