that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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