franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
