Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
