1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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