it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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