Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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