what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
