hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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