there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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