woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
