Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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