Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
