i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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