I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
