ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
