True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
