stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
porn star boner night. come get it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
