I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
