I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
