The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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