I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
